The light

“Why are you keeping me at a distance? All I am asking for is forgiveness. Are you even listening, am I talking to myself again?. And I know that you don’t owe me your love, and I know that you don’t owe me nothing at all. But there ain’t no way I’m giving up on you”

“Don’t leave me here in the dark when its hard to see. Show me your heart, shed a light on me. If you love me, say so, if you don’t, please let me go”- David Guetta/Robin Schultz

So ya, I am back, for today. I am out of the dark, for today. I am in the light, for today. I say this because the last few weeks I’ve been silent in my suffering, not able to write or even want to. See, I try to be as transparent as I can with you but somethings I am not ready to share yet. Somethings I just want to keep to myself.

“I’m standing in front of you, I’m standing in front of you, I’m trying to be so cool everything together trying to be so cool. I cant see past my own nose, Im seeing everything in slo-mo. Look out below Im crashing down to the ground like a vertical loco-motive. While your doing fine there are some people and I who have a really tough time getting through this life so execuse us while we sing to the sky” TOP

Honestly, I couldn’t write it better. The dark place took me hard this year. Every time I tried to crawl out something else pulled me back in. What was stopping me? Why was fear pulling me in and why wasn’t I fighting back? Truth is I was fighting… Just not hard enough. But I am human and became overwhelmed and just gave in, I let the dark completely take over.

Until I didn’t.

I wish I could tell you exactly when it changed or what happened but I honestly can’t remember. Things just started shifting.

Instead of being overwhelmed and trying to fix everything at once, I opened each compartment separately and did my best to handle each situation with a resolution before I moved on. Funny thing is that it worked…. Once one thing was lifted from my soul I was able to breathe, recharge and move onto the next. No, I am not going to go into details but I will tell you what the key was…

I asked for help. I admitted that I was human, and that I couldn’t do it alone. I asked God to guide me, and he sent me the perfect people at the perfect time. And together with all that I climbed into the light.

See I have always suspected that there are angels that walk among us but now I know. I do believe in the power positive thinking, but there is no positive thinking when you are in the dark. You can’t see.. you have no perspective.

But in the light, everything looks so different, feels different. You feel free, free of sadness and fear. You are able to look back and gain perspective on where you were and where you need to be. You can grow and shine and be brand new. There is NOTHING that is impossible as long as you stay in the light. Because in the light, there is only love, and truth, and those two things are what we all need to continue on our journey.

Now for the real talk, how in the fuck do you stay in the light? What do you do when those dark thoughts start to creep back in?? Honestly, I am not sure, I do know that trying to navigate through a tough time alone is a dangerous game. So I say, the second you feel like you are slipping, you reach out and grab onto one of those angels hands and ask for help. Never forget WHO you are and what you are capable of doing and being. Remember that you are never alone. I am right here, in your corner, fighting for you just like my angels stood and fought for me. And if it’s not me, well then find your people and hold on tight.

If I can you can……

Dedicated to the angels who have blessed me over and over with their friendship, love, and presence. You know who you are and there is no way I could have done it without you. I am forever grateful and will do my best to pay it forward and be the angel in someone else’s life.

Love love love A.K.

The dark place

“I wish we could turn back time, to the good ole days… when our mom would sing us to sleep, but now we’re stressed out…… We used to play pretend, give each other different names. We would build a rocket ship and we’d fly it far away..¬†Used to dream of outer space but now they are laughing in our face saying “wake up. you need to make money”.

“I was told when I was older all my fears would shrink, but now I’m insecure and care what people think… My name is blurry face and I care what you think…I wish we could turn back time to the good ole days….. But now we’re stressed out”….. Twenty-one pilots

The dark place, also known as depression, is a motherfucker. It ruins lives, relationships, turns beautiful things ugly and sometimes just won’t let go. If you have never been to the dark place, be grateful. I wouldn’t wish it on my worst enemy. If you have, well then, you already know. 

I wish I could say I was one of the those who only read about depression or hears stories of how it controls you. But I am not. I can lie and say I am okay. But some of the time, I am not. I wish I knew what to do when it hits, but I don’t.

 Oh, I’ve tried therapy and antidepressants. We all know that I get enough exercise and try to eat right. But still, when I least expect it I will wake up one morning and there I am in the dark. I am sharing this with you not because I want your sympathy but because I want to know that you are not alone. For most people depression makes us want to isolate ourselves, stay in bed and sleep our life away, but that’s not realistic is it?

We all have responsibilities, family, jobs and people who depend on us. Staying in bed won’t get your kid to school on time though right? So here is what you do… You get up. You get out and if you are like me maybe you cry all day for no reason, but you don’t let the dark control you or consume your life. Why? Because we need you. I need you, and I see you. I see you struggling and I know how you feel but only you can make that move. Only you can decide if its the dark or the light. Only you decide if you stay or if you go.

Yes, I do realize that I am speaking directly to myself here, But I bet you can relate. In some way even if you haven’t felt it yourself you know someone, have seen someone in this type of pain. Maybe in the past, you have chose to judge or even ignore them. Attached some type of stigma to them…. calling them mental or dramatic. Its okay, you are human and we often judge what we don’t understand. But now I am asking you to stop that thought process and treat those who you know are suffering with compassion. Be kind, ask how they are, maybe even give them a hug. I may not know a lot but I know this… NO ONE wants to feel sad, hopeless or unloved. And given the choice, I doubt anyone would choose the dark.

So whats the point of this blog really? I’ve written before about depression and anxiety what’s different this time?  Hope. Just when you think you will never get out of the dark… a hand reaches in and pulls you out. For me, this hand lives “across the pond”, in another country. I may never even meet this miracle that saved me from myself.  The light that through a random source reached out to me at the perfect time and said the perfect thing without even trying. Someone who makes me laugh and want to be okay. Will I ever meet this man? I don’t know. I am not sure it matters but I will tell you that when my faith was at an all-time low God showed up for me and sent me exactly what I needed. 

Today I am grateful. Today I am blessed. Today I am out of the dark……

Sending you all love and light….A.K.

Can we be nice NOW?

Ok, people come on, its the frickin holidays! Can you at least smile? I hate when people tell me to smile, but seriously this being an asshole is the new black is getting boring. It seems to happen earlier and earlier each year too. It used to be that people were stressed out and RUDE the week before the holidays but now it seems to start in late October. 

The question that continues to live in my mind… does being mean to me make you feel better?

I sure hope so because it really sucks to be mistreated with no payoff.  And NO it doesn’t make ME feel better to be an asshole back.

Today is December 2nd, last month of the year. Last chance to get it right (till the next). Can we at least try to be kind and compassionate? Just this month, hold your tongue, open a door for someone, SMILE. Do something that gives you NO payoff. It’s challenging but worth it.

Make it about someone else (in a good way), be generous and give with joy. 

Change your thought process every morning to how amazing it is to be living through another holiday season. To see your children grow up, and all your hard work pay off.

Live. Live in the moment. Let it consume you, you will never get that moment back. Try to stay present, its amazing the things we miss when we allow ourselves to go into auto pilot.

You determine your day, your path, your life. Choose life and always choose love. Oh and start……right now….

love ya….A.K.