The light

“Why are you keeping me at a distance? All I am asking for is forgiveness. Are you even listening, am I talking to myself again?. And I know that you don’t owe me your love, and I know that you don’t owe me nothing at all. But there ain’t no way I’m giving up on you”

“Don’t leave me here in the dark when its hard to see. Show me your heart, shed a light on me. If you love me, say so, if you don’t, please let me go”- David Guetta/Robin Schultz

So ya, I am back, for today. I am out of the dark, for today. I am in the light, for today. I say this because the last few weeks I’ve been silent in my suffering, not able to write or even want to. See, I try to be as transparent as I can with you but somethings I am not ready to share yet. Somethings I just want to keep to myself.

“I’m standing in front of you, I’m standing in front of you, I’m trying to be so cool everything together trying to be so cool. I cant see past my own nose, Im seeing everything in slo-mo. Look out below Im crashing down to the ground like a vertical loco-motive. While your doing fine there are some people and I who have a really tough time getting through this life so execuse us while we sing to the sky” TOP

Honestly, I couldn’t write it better. The dark place took me hard this year. Every time I tried to crawl out something else pulled me back in. What was stopping me? Why was fear pulling me in and why wasn’t I fighting back? Truth is I was fighting… Just not hard enough. But I am human and became overwhelmed and just gave in, I let the dark completely take over.

Until I didn’t.

I wish I could tell you exactly when it changed or what happened but I honestly can’t remember. Things just started shifting.

Instead of being overwhelmed and trying to fix everything at once, I opened each compartment separately and did my best to handle each situation with a resolution before I moved on. Funny thing is that it worked…. Once one thing was lifted from my soul I was able to breathe, recharge and move onto the next. No, I am not going to go into details but I will tell you what the key was…

I asked for help. I admitted that I was human, and that I couldn’t do it alone. I asked God to guide me, and he sent me the perfect people at the perfect time. And together with all that I climbed into the light.

See I have always suspected that there are angels that walk among us but now I know. I do believe in the power positive thinking, but there is no positive thinking when you are in the dark. You can’t see.. you have no perspective.

But in the light, everything looks so different, feels different. You feel free, free of sadness and fear. You are able to look back and gain perspective on where you were and where you need to be. You can grow and shine and be brand new. There is NOTHING that is impossible as long as you stay in the light. Because in the light, there is only love, and truth, and those two things are what we all need to continue on our journey.

Now for the real talk, how in the fuck do you stay in the light? What do you do when those dark thoughts start to creep back in?? Honestly, I am not sure, I do know that trying to navigate through a tough time alone is a dangerous game. So I say, the second you feel like you are slipping, you reach out and grab onto one of those angels hands and ask for help. Never forget WHO you are and what you are capable of doing and being. Remember that you are never alone. I am right here, in your corner, fighting for you just like my angels stood and fought for me. And if it’s not me, well then find your people and hold on tight.

If I can you can……

Dedicated to the angels who have blessed me over and over with their friendship, love, and presence. You know who you are and there is no way I could have done it without you. I am forever grateful and will do my best to pay it forward and be the angel in someone else’s life.

Love love love A.K.