First day back to school after what seemed like the longest Winter Break in the history of Winter Breaks. It was the best of times and the worst of times. Mostly the worst, but we survived, my little family and I made it through the trials and tribulations, the sadness and disappointment. And we are still standing, stronger than before….
Without going into too much detail I will share the highs (nobody cares about the lows really). My daughter turned 16 and I didn’t fall apart, well not totally anyway. That same beautiful child survived a car accident in which she was the passenger to a teenager driving like an ass. She and her boyfriend walked away somewhat unharmed (thank god for airbags). Great teaching moment there too by the way. (DO NOT GET IN THE CAR WITH A STUPID TEENAGER DRIVING).
I was forced to reduce my work schedule by more than half for two weeks and realized that I work way too hard and need to start looking toward my future life/ job and where I will be in the next few years…
I knew I wouldn’t stay where I am forever but now it’s only two years away and I’ve got to get a move on. It’s like when you say you’ll have children when you are ready. Guess what you are never really ready and there is nothing wrong with having a plan, in fact, I strongly suggest it.
2018 was hands down the hardest year of my life. Worse than my divorces (yes plural), even worse than my father passing away. That seems insane, but please understand that I was challenged with so many things all at once. and most of them were out of my control. My faith had taken a backseat as it usually does until I am in crisis. And for the first time, I faced these challenges alone.
We underestimate the power of support in our lives. I found myself trying to juggle and make everyone else ok which is, you know, my job in life. What made it hard this time is I had no one to catch me. No one in my corner lifting me up as I fell apart over and over.
I do have friends, great friends, but its different. I literally gave everything I had to make sure my family wasn’t falling apart…. to make sure nobody felt sad or left out or less than…..in the meantime I fell and I fell hard. I guess it makes sense I am only human. But here is the thing… I GOT UP. There were times when I didn’t want to but I did it anyway.
Now all the pain and tears and feelings of despair are behind me. My life is no longer on winter break and I can fall back into my routine. I love routine, it keeps me focused and driven and moving forward. Some people find it boring, I find security in the life I have chosen. Not that I don’t look forward to change. I love change, change is good, change helps you grow. Too much change at one time however can be overwhelming especially to someone like me. But I managed and here I am all the wiser.
At the beginning of each new year, I always remind people that the correct terminology is Happy New Year. Singular. One year. I can’t tell you how many people wish me Happy New Years… Oh please, I can’t take more than one at a time…. How about happy new DAY? That I can get excitied about.
I know this year will bring more changes and bumps in the road, I pray that I find love so that when those challenges hit me I don’t feel so alone and completely responsible. I will look at life with anticipation, love, and excitement instead of sadness and fear. I know we will all be okay because we already are, okay.
“I really need you, I really need your love right now, I’m fading fast, not gonna last… I’m really stupid, I’m burning up, I’m going down, I’ll win it back. don’t even ask. When I find myself in the middle, could you love me more, just a little? Over-complicate it but its simple… Would you love me more just a little? So tell me now, when every star falls from the sky and every last heart in the world breaks. Oh, hold me now, when every ship is going down I don’t fear nothing when I hear you say…. ITS GONNA BE OKAY” Robin Schultz
It really is…… A.K.